That's where I've been the last... forever. Except, it's not really a good thing. I'm not stuck in a season that is keeping on cloud 9 [I stinkin' wish!]. I'm stuck in a season that has caused more angst and inner turmoil then ever before, really.
Listen to my heart, it may resonate.
The Lord has always given me times where He makes sure I am aware of my depravity without Him. Times where He reminds me just how sinful I am and just how much I need a Savior. I've always been used to that. Well, I think that may have been my first problem. "I have always been used to it."
Why do I think this? Because He decided to change it up a bit. Rather then just reminding me how much I am in need of Him and how sinful my innate being is, He has literally made myself disgusted with... myself.
Follow me, I promise it will make sense.
Lately, I have been absolutely overwhelmed with how, in the deepest core of my being, though I delight in the law of God [Rom 7:21], I am all about myself.
I look after myself.
I think about myself.
I provide for myself.
I desire fame for myself.
You get the point. I have been consumed with self.
As I have been reading through Genesis I came across just a few short words that, for me, have been the most heart-breaking, yet, beautiful words I've read in a long time.
Here's some context: In Genesis 18, the Lord appears to Abraham on behalf of Sodom, where Lot is [you should go back and read chapter 17 & 18, there's so much Gospel truth]. About halfway through the chapter the Lord tells Abraham that He is going to judge the city of Sodom. In response, Abraham pleads for the city. However, it was how Abraham responded that blew my mind.
"So the men turned from there and went toward Sodom, but Abraham still stood before the Lord. Then Abraham drew near." [22&23]
All of the people, the whole crowd, began to walk toward Sodom. BUT, Abraham still stood before the Lord.
There are many things about this I find compelling, but most of all is this: while the crowd began to walk, all people alike, Abraham regarded the presence of the Lord as more precious and more valuable then walking with the Crowd. He had enough confidence in the voice of the Father that, while all others walk on, he still stands.
This provokes so many questions.
Do I find His presence as most precious?
Is His wisdom most valuable?
Do I have confidence in the Father?
I think about this scene and I place myself in the spot of Abraham. However, I don't see the same thing pan out should I be there. If I were Abraham, I would have done one of two things:
1. I would have simply gone with the crowd and been with the people, for like of confidence in the Lord.
2. I would have still stood before the Lord. However, I would not have drawn near. I would have stayed before Him as all others walked by hoping they would see me. Because, naturally, you look more spiritual should you break yourself from people and be with Him, right? [that's a joke, btw]
You see where self has been perverted and has consumed me? I just can't read this story and not be absolutely wrecked by how little my attention is upon the Father and how much my focus stays upon self.
However, here is the good news I have been so sweetly reminded of.
My inner being delights in the Law of God, yet I'm at war. As are you.
I am a fool when I try to get myself to not be about myself. I can't do that. Resulting from the fall, self is our number one priority and delight. Yet, the victory of Christ is ours to be claimed.
"That's obvious, I know that, what does that have to do with anything?"
Here's what: rather than trying to add the goodness of Christ to yourself, replace yourself with His goodness.
As life brings about all kinds of these Abraham scenarios as we begin to either walk with the crowd or long to be noticed, our deepest joy can be found in the truth that says what's His is now ours.
Though our flesh wages war.
Though our eyes turn to idols.
Though are thoughts are upon ourself.
His victory is ours.
His purity is ours.
His vision is ours.
This is the Gospel.
In this season of feeling trapped by my own self I have learned one thing: regardless of self, He is ours.
There is nothing good in me. Apart from claiming His victory as my own, I will always be about self.
However, in Him and by His grace, we can now claim all of who He is.
You see, the Father says this to us: "Stop being so frustrated with yourself. Walk in the freedom I have laid out for you. Choose the joy I've made available to you. You can't fix yourself. But, all I see on you is the blood of the Lamb. Rest as my daughter and let me be the King."
May we be a people that chooses to claim the victories found in the Gospel as sufficient.
May be a people that is not afraid of self, but, rather, rebukes it with the Name of Life.
May we be a people that doesn't try to make ourself selfless, but rather claims the selfless Cross as the very Cross that we were crucified on.
This has been my journey. It has been ugly, yet profoundly beautiful.
May the Gospel be yours and may His freedom be yours so that while our bodies waste away, our Spirit will remain forever.
Let the truth set you free.
"For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!" [Romans 7:21-25]
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